Thursday, 4 February 2010

The Best of Adam Almond (Part One: The Lists)

From now on my blogs will be posted on here, looks a little better don't you think? Better than Facebook anyhows.

So for a kick off here is a selection of my previous ones. A kind of "Greatest Hits" compilation if you will. I like a good list as much as the next geek. Here's a selection of a few that I've written in the past

April 2006
Computer Games of the Future

How much time do we waste doing pointless things? When push comes to shove, procrastination sets in and you find yourself washing up for your entire flat or drinking dangerous amounts of coffee because going into the kitchen to put the kettle on gets you away from the computer. However, I have discovered a new form of procrastination…retro computer games, easily and freely downloadable trips down memory lane. I can now play games such as Super Mario Brothers All Stars and The Legend of Zelda III, games I haven’t played since I got my first PlayStation in 1996. So now rather than reviewing the snoozefest of Brokeback Mountain for university I have began a quest to save the magical land of Hyrule for the evil Gannon/Aghanhim, or attempting to form the ridiculously long winded rescue mission of Princess Peach using a short fat Italian plumber who doubles in size whenever he eats mushroom! Still though, I have not played anything resembling a SNES for years. I love it. So much better/satisfying than half the computer game tripe that's around nowadays (god that makes me sound soooo old!). I have created a list of games that would not surprise me if existed or are in development right now.

• BSM Road Rash III Turbo - Race the latest Nissans and perform death defying stunts while staying within the speed limit and highway code.
• Premiership Pundit - Take on the role of Gary Linekar or Alan Hansen and provide the BBC with overly friendly and irrelevant punditry on the best/worst of this year's premiership season.
• Council Estate Sin City 3001 - Take on the role of god (or the housing agency) in this hilarious games where you can control the scum of Britain. (Collect 30 ASBO's to progress to the next level)
• (One of my faves and one I play regularly) Avoid anyone with Sky telling you spoilers for the latest series of 24, because you haven't got sky and have to wait until about September for the fucking DVD - Does exactly that!
• Rest Home III - Revenge of the Werthers Original Gang - Shoot em up. (Rumble pack not recommended!)
• The Uneducated - Be a nursery teacher and try not to lose the will to live as you realised this is not really what you wanted to do with your life, but seeing as though becoming a social worker failed for then this is the "next best thing".
• The Last Resort - Try to find anything the drinkable at the end of a party whilst avoiding the White Lightning that those scallies who gatecrashed, so thoughtfully left behind.
• Don’t stare! - Spend a day in a sixth form avoiding the gaze of "special people".
• Don’t Laugh! - Sit in a hospital waiting room in the early hours and try not to laugh at the stupidity of people who jammed their head into the kettle or something.
• Real Bass fishing - Spend a weekend on a boat with a casual acquaintance and think "I could be doing ANYTHING else rather than this"!
• Nostalgia 4 - Not as good as Nostalgia 1!
• Football spectator 4 - Take control of angry football fans in this realistic strategy game (Available on Xbox live!)

November 2008
What follows is a list of "facts" about the James Bond films...

Dr. No (1962)
• The process of “toppling” as described in the novel and film bears no relation to the actual process of toppling which involves using a crane to remove an enitre floor of a skyscraper and placing it gently on top, intrestingly that is also how the idea for popular, but dangerous, game Jenga was thought up.

From Russia With Love (1963)
• The LEKTOR machine, the film’s “McGuffin”, was made into a toy, but had to be banned when someone bought one and converted it into a WWII Enigma machine, and was accidentally donated to the British War Museum.

Goldfinger (1964)
• The famous opening sequence in which 007 electrocutes an assasin by throwing an electric heater into a bath, was entirely accidental. Calvin Lowe, the stuntman in question, was fortunately unharmed, but is no able to operate electrical devices through mere touch alone. Calvin also switches the Christmas lights on in his home town of Chipping Norton…unintentionally, by walking through the town centre, the day before they’re officially switched on.

Thunderball (1965)
• The scene where Bond sucks a jellyfish spine out of Domino’s foot, a foot made of quorn had to be made, as Connery was going through a vegertarian phase at the time. He’s OK now.

You Only Live Twice (1967)
• Little Nellie, 007’s “IKEA” helicopter, proved such a hit, that “Blue Peter” showed viewers how to make their own. However were forced to apologise two weeks later, following reports that childeren were falling out of the sky. One child, had been found head first and feet in the air in marshland near Whitley Bay. The received 30,000 complaints from people who neither had kids or helicopters.

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)
• George Lazenby was so good as James Bond that the producers felt that one was enough to cement him firmly in people’s hearts and memories.
• After being the first strong independent Bond Girl, Diana Rigg (now Dame Diana Rigg) feared she would be typcast so pursued other roles such as feisty crime fighter Emma Peel in The Avengers.

Diamonds Are Forever (1971) • Connery’s return as Bond was a total accident, he wandered on to set in quite a state, ssemingly drunk, although he blamed it on stong sleeping tablets.

Live and Let Die (1973)
• Sean Connery was considered a little too old to carry on his tenure as Bond. So producers plumped for the fresher face of 45 year old Roger Moore.

The Man with the Golden Gun (1975)
• The Weather Girls were approached to write and record the theme tune, however their offering “Golden Shower” was quickly turned down and a song was written for Lulu instead.

The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)
• The iconic Union Flag parachute, was a late addition. The stunt man was not supposed to have a parachute. But someone had forewarned Calvin Lowe of the plot and packed his own.

Moonraker (1979)
• Cashing in on the success of films such as Star Wars, Close Encounters of the Third Kind , Alien, The Deer Hunter and The Graduate, it was decided that Bond would go into space. The original treatment included Bond facing off against Space Nazis. With Bond now working for the Galactic Action Gang. The gadgets seemd rather pointless.

For Your Eyes Only (1981)
• The Citroen chase down the mountain was due to the film makers not being able to afford another Lotus Esprit following an incident where Moore had left a cigar burning in the ashtray, causing the car to explode killing two stuntmen and seriously injuring a third, Calvin Lowe.

Octopussy (1983)
• Seemingly learning their lesson after the “Little Nellie” furore sixteen years before, Blue Peter refrained from showing veiwers how to make their own Acrostar Minijet, as seen in the opening sequence, and instead showed the, how to make a crocodile submarine, this backfired when 5 childeren were captured, killed and turned into shoes and handbags.

A View to a Kill (1985) • Due to budgetary constraints the Eiffel Tower scenes were actually shot on Blackpool Tower, Blackpool. To make it more like France, garlic was rubbed on to the celluloid film before processing.

The Living Daylights (1987)
• At 57, Roger Moore decided to hang up his Walther PPK and move on and a search for the next 007 was on…many people auditioned, including; Pierce Brosnan, Hugh Grant, Michael J. Fox (When he was stirred, not shaken), Robert Lyndsay, David Jason, Ringo Starr and Jodie Foster.

Licence to Kill (1989)
• The drugs in the cocaine plant sequence, hence Benicio Del Toro’s incomprehensible accent in The Usual Suspects.

Goldeneye (1995) • The title of this film is named after James Bond creator Ian Fleming’s Jamaica home. Other films that employ a similar titling system include: Arlington Road; Murder at 1600; The Twilight Zone; The House on Haunted Hill; Xanadu and Zardoz.

Tomorrow Never Dies (1997)
• Actual phone control BMWs were marketed as promotional items for the film, however they were banned as in the days before it was against the law, whenever someone rang them on their phone in the car, they accidentally answer their control phone and careen into bus shelters, houses, off bridges and into each other.

The World is Not Enough (1999)
• Robert Carlyle can’t feel pain in real life, which is how he was capable of repeatedly headbutting people in Trainspotting and how he could drag broken glass across his knackers in The Full Monty’s deleted scenes.

Die Another Day (2002)
• In order to celebrate 40 years of the 007 films, they made one of the worst ones yet. UP YOURS FANS!

Casino Royale (2006)
# Daniel Craig was derided for wearing a life jacket on the day he was announced as Bond while on a speed boat across the Thames...why such a media frenzy? For "Thunderball" Connery had to wear arm bands! Roger Moore couldn't fire his gun with yelping! And Pierce Brosnan was always worried about his fucking hair!

Quantum of Solace (2008)

After Quantum of Solace there are only three other original Ian Fleming titles to be used. They are "Risico", "The Hikderbrand Rarity" and a full remake of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang"

March 2009
25 things I didn't even know about myself.

If you're on Facebook then you like me will have at some point recieved something like this asking to write down 20 or so secrets abouit yourself...yeah, I'm going to let people in on my dark side!

1) I refuse to accept the existence of lavender.
2) I am a one man band and spend a lot of time playing with my organ.
3) I hosted a show on short lived Freeview channel "UKPlop" in which twelve strangers were locked in a house with no toilet, and the ensuing public excretions acted as nomiations for eviction based on which housemate they most resembled, as deemed by an expert panel judges consisting of Gok "How to be Patronised While You Have Your Tits and Muff Out" Wan, Gillian "Will Rifle Through Shit for Money" McKeith, and Richard "I Used to be on Dragons Den Me, WAHEY!" Farley. The show was called "Have I Got Poos For You?"
4) Previous actors who have played Me have been, Clint Eastwood, DB Woodside, Morgan Freeman, Free Willy and Leo McKern.
5) Im really 2ft tall and live inside myself operating a series of levers and pulleys.
6) Only smokes cigarettes, because wood shavings are too addictive.
7) I am an anagram.
8) I can recite Pie to three letters.
9) My biggest fear is the letter D.
10) I can list all of Eamonn Holmes DVDs
11) I write "The Jeremy Kyle Show"
12) I posess the unique ability to predict the present.
13) I go into seizures whenever I hear the Animal Hospital theme.
14) I am totally deaf but percieve sound as text floating out of speakers, people's mouths and the air.
15) Painted and decorated the White House with a small bottle of Tipp-Ex, and wallpapered inside with one the roller ones.
16) I often dream of a time when the planet is run by Daddy Long Legs'
17) I used to work for a company making fetishwear, but didn't want to get tied down.
18) I have a tattoo of Fiona Phillips on my ankle, she has one of me on her back.
19) I WANT to believe it's not butter but has yet seen any evidence.
20) I am plagued by nagging doubts that I have ankles.
21) I took a bullet for some but gave it back.
22) Didn't bother filling out the 1901 census.
23) Took part in a chairty racist beating for breast cancer.
24) Has watched "The Weakest Link" so many time I shout "BANK!" whenever anyone asks me anything at all.
25) Lives in a jewleybox in Boston.

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